TheCoalMineCanary

it's been a while.  annnnd... everything has changed.

the short run-down on my life is this -- i'm in university now and the college life truly suits me in a way nothing else ever has.  i'm majoring in english and possibly either international studies or anthropology (or something else entirely, i don't really know yet).  i love living away from home, late nights in the library, and in general, the crazy things i get to do with no adults to get annoyed.  midnight sledding on cookie sheets, holla.   

i stopped coming on dA but i never stopped writing, though i'm not nearly as productive as i used to be.  a combination of having a busier life and shaky mental health have stripped me of the motivation to write like i used to.  i know.  it's a little sad...but i try to do what i can.

i have decided to continue sharing my writing on my new blog, Third Fig.  dA sucks up too much of my time, which is the main reason i quit coming here, and i find that since my blog barely has any readers...it's easy for me to keep up, and harder for me to waste my time online.  so, if you'd like to read any of my writing, that would be the place to go.  i have a new poem there called "Eighteenth Meditation" for any that are interested.  i honestly don't know if that blog is a permanent home for me, but i have an unquenchable desire to be read, and i know i must share my work somehow.  if the blog thing doesn't work out, i'll consider returning here.  sorry for being so indecisive.

sorry to those i was working on a collab with.  i apologize for being so flaky and disappearing on you.  drop me an e-mail at ashablee_23@live.com if you want to write something with me.  my schedule is always tight but as a writer...i find time for words.   i realize as i'm writing this that very few of you will remember me or care about this conceited journal...but i feel as if i disappeared with no explanation, and you have been so kind that i feel you deserve to know what happened to me.

so, peace and love, all.  comment and let me know what you've been up to.  share a piece of your work with me.  i know it's selfish of me to ask, but i'm prepping to enter a big university writing contest and if you have a recommendation as far as what i should enter, i'd love to hear it.  i'll read and respond to your comments, but otherwise...find me on my blog instead.

ashley, out. ~

A Collab & Work in Progress with yu-nomii.
(Go watch her, you won't regret it. )

dear ashq,

i.
I look to the azure splashed above
to watch for the passing whites
the foaming waves of a gentle breeze
painted by the wings of angels

it is
an ephemeral masterpiece
-- never constant , always changing --

a smile spreads across my lips
&& I thank the sky
for today's surprise ♥


dear nomi,

ii.
The sun is nothing more
than a slice of light on the horizon,
a brilliant promise of glowing mornings,
hot afternoons, and lazy afternoons
spent sipping lemonade in the porch swing.

The roosters crowed long ago,
but the birds are just beginning their chorus --
a chirp here, a twitter there.
There is a robin on my windowsill,
ordinary,
but his wings pressed against the rising sun
make him seem a phoenix.

A new day, a good morning.
I call myself a sparrow and stretch
my soft wings.


dear ashq,

iii.
A gray blanket embraces the celestial ceiling
suffocating the sunrays
leaving the word in a monochrome

I'm waiting
for the sky to cry
&& let out its emotions

I'm waiting
so that its sorrow could be showered away
so that the oppressive clouds would drain itself
upon the thirsty grass
and refresh the Earth
with every drip
and every drop

But for now the sky remains
and left here I am to wait.


dear nomi,

iv.
"Do you want a ride?"

I look away from his
Little red pick-up
And stare up at the sun
For perhaps a second too long.

The clouds crackle with static
Like whispy fireworks in daylight.
The heat from the spring sunshine
Settles slowly on my round face
And sinks deeper into my skin.

"Nah, I think I'll walk."

He stuffs his keys in his pocket
And slings his backpack over his shoulder.
"I think I will, too."

I like to imagine
That our shadows on the pavement
Look just like the clouds --
Insubstantial, yet glimmering on the edges
Like the static crackles in the sky.


dear ashq,

v.
6.. Six little stars, embedded into the black backdrop
I counted it once again, just to make sure
then wished to myself that there were more
5.. Five fancy cars lined up by the sidewalk
Glistened by the yellow glow of the street lamps
but I know they won't rest there for long
4.. Four towering skyscrapers, supporting the clouds
each with a billion lighted windows
reminding me of the million nonexistent stars
that should be hanging above
3.. Three giggling girls, running all about
playing to their hearts content
I longed to be one of them
2.. Two curious sisters, May and me
standing, dazed, in New York City
counting the stars that should be there

One lovely moon,
creamy white,
smiles down upon us

I wondered if my friends at home
were looking at the moon too
I hoped they were,
or at least, looking at the sky with me

No matter how far apart we are
At least we can always share the moon.


dear nomi,

vi.
But what if I can't bear to share?

The moon is creamy and robust,
haloed tonight,
a round angel with craters for eyes
and the Sea of Tranquility for a mouth.
She floats without wings, ethereal,
pale, and without a doubt,
naturally magical.

I like her --
A guardian that watches over me
and the flickering streetlamp
next to the drugstore.
Her light bids me goodnight
once again.

dA:

Well dA, I'm maybe back from another stupid hiatus.

I'm finally starting to get a handle on my inbox again, but that's mostly because I deleted all of your lovely news articles and journals.  Sorry.  If there is something you think I should see, then definitely send me a link.  Otherwise, I'm going to focus my attention on getting through the remaining 500 of your deviations.

Also, thanks to those of you who have given me llamas.  Nothing like a virtual animal badge to spruce up your page, I suppose.   I have yet to distribute any llamas of my own, but I will be getting to that, maybe after this journal, or perhaps after I get through those deviations.  We'll see.  Just don't feel bad that I haven't llama'ed you yet.

I just finished a collab with the ever-so-lovely Iluvocnj2006, which you can find here and here.  I am currently collabing with yu-nomii, a longtime pal of mine who is a total darling.  You should definitely check out both of these deviants, who are incredible not only for their talents, but also for the friendly light they bring to dA.

Writing:

Currently, I am working on a poem that kind of reminds me of "grape juice and mud puddles," so if you're a fan of that, then you're in luck.  It is a break-up poem with a bunch of snake imagery, inspired by alwaysmotivated's prompt of "Green."

Once I finish that, I would like to begin working on this short story idea I've been pondering lately.  It'll be something big and more mature than what I usually write, if I can pull it off.  I don't know yet if I can, but I'd love to.  My writing right now isn't living up to my personal expectations, despite the fact that I have more support than ever.

I'm also considering writing a follow-up piece to "Kayla" because I still have a lot of emotion about that that I need to get out, and it seems that people enjoyed the raw energy that that piece had.

We'll see how far I make it with any of this.

Life:

I've been up and down lately.  Graduation is fast approaching, and don't get me wrong, I am excited, but I am also very sad about it.  The thing is, I like high school.  I like my life the way it is right now.  I like living at home with my family, I like not having to worry about things bigger than school projects or why-doesn't-he-like-me, and I like the people that are in my life right now.  I don't want things to change, even though I feel really good about the college I'm going to and the things I'm going to do next.  I guess I just keep thinking about how there are so many people at school that I'll never see again, and that makes me really sad.

I guess I'm also a little sad because one huge part of my life is partly over.  I had what could end up being my final dance performance on Wednesday.  It was the finale for the season, which meant the end of me being a student at my current studio, and also the end of me being a teacher.  I miss my teammates, teachers, and little girls like crazy.  It's not that I won't dance again -- I'm already signed up for advanced ballet and pointe classes this summer -- but I don't know if I'll ever have the chance to perform.  It's hard to find places to dance, and the college I'm going to doesn't have a great dance curriculum.  I know I'm being a baby about this, but it's hard to say goodbye to something that has been a huge part of your life for seven years.

So.  I guess that's the stuff that's got me upset, so now for the reasons to smile (there's lots of them):

Today was a fun moment.  I was making a quick run to Target and got stuck as the first car at the red light.  I had my music cranked up loud (that Heartbreaker song was on again -- I usually don't like music like that, but for some reason, I'm a big fan of that one) and I was just dancing around and singing and it was great.  I happened to glance across the intersection and I saw this guy waiting to go through the light, also dancing and singing...the same song.  I guess we both had the same station going.  Anyway, we both noticed each other and were just dancing and being idiots until the light turned green, and it was just kind of a funny moment.  Dancing at an intersection with a stranger.

My school has a dance for the seniors at the end of the year, and seeing as it's semi-formal attire, I was planning on wearing a dress that I have as a leftover from a previous dance.  My mom, however, gets really excited about these things, and has insisted on looking at dresses whenever we go past a dress shop.  I mostly hate this -- have you ever looked at some of those dresses?  They are uggggly~!  Look, I guess they're alright for some people, but I'm not a poofy, sequined, tulle, satin, etc kind of girl.  They don't look good on me (my face is quite plain, so I can't compete with the dress) and I don't like feeling like a cupcake/poodle/fairy/whatever.  Plus also, I'm really picky about what I'll wear, as far as modesty goes.  However...we did find this one that was very strange, but actually looked really good on me, for reasons I can't explain.  It's on this page, and it's that brownish one called Areli.  I know you're going to look at all those dresses and go, why on earth do you want the one that looks like a paper sack, and I can't explain it, but I love it.   I'm not going to buy it (like I have that kind of money, yeah right) but my mom thinks I'm a weirdo for saying that one is my favorite.

People at school have finally realized that I'm a writer, and I've been getting a fair amount of attention because of it, too.  I get questions from teachers and people I know about what I write, can they read it, how do I get inspired, etc.  Every time we're talking about writing in my English class, my teacher is always like "Ashley, why don't you tell us how to approach organizing an essay?  Ashley, will you please explain to Andrew why writing is important?  Ashley, since we're talking about passions, do you think the work you put into writing is worth it?" and other stuff like that.  I overheard myself being referred to as "that writer girl" once.  It's really bizarre to have this attention all of a sudden, and to be honest...I like it, but only to some degree.  I know this sounds stupid, but writing is sacred to me -- if I talk about it too much, it starts to lose its magic.  Do any of you fellow writers ever feel this way?

And...I suppose that this has been a very long, fairly useless journal, so I might as well just wrap it up now.

Take care!

&

A conundrum I've been considering lately -- If our lives were screenplays, would we be the heroes, or would we just be minor characters in someone else's play?  Or for some of us, in our plays, we're not the hero -- someone else fills that role -- and we have a different role.  Perhaps, some of us aren't destined for the stage at all, and we're the ones hanging out in the wings and helping with costume changes, or maybe we're the ones sitting pretty in the director's chair.

What do you guys think?
Tell me about YOUR plays.

-------

Are you guys familiar with this poem?  It's my favorite.

"First Fig" by: Edna St. Vincent Millay
My candle burns at both ends;
  It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends---
  It gives a lovely light!

Mmmmm.  It always reminds me of "The Great Gatsby."

-------

Sorry I've been a little sluggish at messages lately.  Been in a strange funk lately, but I'm bound to snap out of it soon.

Hope you're all staying well.
&

I often pull my journal titles from the song currently playing on my iTunes, but I decided that "She Came In Through The Bathroom Window" was not the best choice of titles.

Anyway.  Hellooooo~!  How are you all?  Please tell me, I'd love to know.   Also, if you have been watching the Olympics, what's your favorite event to watch?  Has anyone been lucky enough to actually attend the games?  I went to them when they were in Salt Lake, but I'm afraid that Vancouver is too far out of my reach.

I doubt any of you remember, but I've been involved with this scholarship program, and it's been turning out far better than I ever could have dreamed.  I was selected to represent my school's English department, and so I had to make a portfolio about all of my achievements and activities and blahblahblah, and then I went in for a region interview.  I'm surprised and delighted to say that I was selected as a finalist, and I'll go in for my state interview on March 3rd.  It's a pretty big deal (to me), because I almost never applied in the first place...and, I don't know, it's just cool for me to finally do something important, I guess, and going on to the state competition really puts me in a good place.  When I was chosen to represent my school, a lot of people were kind of like "You?  Why did they pick you?" but now that I'm going on to state, maybe they'll be forced to accept that there must have been some reason I was chosen.
Oh!  And I got to be in the newspaper because of it all, which was kind of cool.
(done bragging now)

I've been turning out more writing than usual, but unfortunately, there's been an obvious decrease in quality.  Trying to keep up with alwaysmotivated is not the best idea for me, as I'm a total procrastinator, and so I usually just end up posting rough drafts of stuff in order to get my points for the week.  Not the best way to do things.   I'm going to try to be better.  It's not that I don't like the things I've written recently, because some of them have potential, but I do recognize that they are really, really rough.

Well, if you've made it this far in my journal, I salute you and treat you to a virtual cookie:
Take care, all.

&